Cut Me Mickey!

I'm rusty at this.

It has been years since I was alone with my thoughts, was able sit and read or write undisturbed. I can't take a shower or sit on the toilet without an onslaught of interruptions. Why? Do I live in a war zone? Am I famous and hounded by paparazzi? No, it's worse than that. I'm a mother. A home schooling mother no less. My wonderful gifted 10 year old son is with me 24/7. [Here I must insert a disclaimer that I love being able to home school, I'm thankful, really I am. But, there is a mixed bag/trade off/sacrifice in any life decision and this is it.]

And my lack of private time isn't the only issue. I was listening to a lecture today by RC Sproul about John Calvin. In it Sproul said that Calvin would have been very happy to sit in a cave with his books and a pen to be alone and write. I know why and it's not because he just loved to write and read so very much. In a cave there is no cable, possibly no texting and definitely no laundry to fold. In short, there are no distractions in a cave. Well, no enticing ones anyway. Of course, I'm so easily distracted now-a-days that I'd probably find moss and stalactites entrancing. I used to be happy to sit and write too. Now I spend a lot of time on Face Book liking pictures of cats wearing sunglasses. What happened to me?

I have a few theories. First, I think that pregnancy did something to my brain, a wash of hormones dissolved the synapses or something like that. I can't remember …. well I can't remember what I don't remember but I am pretty sure that at one time I could read and translate Biblical Greek. I mean I have this framed degree on the wall in my home, it claims that I have a Master's in Theology and I think I had to learn cool sounding stuff like that. In fact have a vague memory of a C+ being a major victory. Case in point, sometimes I call my Son by the dog's name. Sometimes it takes me 3 minutes to remember how old I am. It could just be the special mental mist of exhaustion that only parents know. There is a reason prisoners are tortured by lack of sleep. Being a mother means I am on call at all hours and my clients take advantage of my hours to the full measure. In any case, I have forgotten most of the important things I learned or have read. I once had a memory that could surgically recall the right facts for a fantastic apologetic, on the fly and unrehearsed. Now, a resounding “huh?” is my best reply to any and all questions (because I'm usually too foggy to even listen well).

Here's another recent development that I can't blame on my son. I can't think about important things for too long. I grow impatient and want to be entertained instead. One awesome way to do this it to obsess over fantasy worlds, like a vacation from reality. I now know how to cast a patronous charm but, I can't remember all the solas or how to parse a Greek verb. However, I have read all the Game of Thrones books and I know the mottos to each noble house now....so I guess my little vacations from reality have really paid off. You know what? It occurs to me right now that the memory loss issue I mentioned above might be more about mental laziness. Somewhere along way, as I ran my good race, I got tired and started to walk. Maybe I put down my torch and let the fire die, sat in the shade and took a nap. And then I dreamed of unicorns and decided not to wake up. Anyway, *whew* that insight left me exhausted. I feel like a chain smoker who just ran up a flight of stairs.

So, why I am I writing all this? You, imaginary reader, might be asking. Well, some people want rock hard abs and resolve to exercise periodically in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I want rock hard abs too. But, one difficult thing at a time. I'm writing because I want my brain back. I want my spiritual life back. I'm making a resolution to start writing and reading, praying and thinking again. I'm gonna be like a theological Rocky, running up steps and drinking raw eggs. Except I'll be breaking out my Greek flash cards and drinking in a lot of old text books. I'm announcing it because if I make a public commitment I think I'm more likely to stick to it. This blog will chronicle my ups, downs, random  thoughts as I attempt to fulfill this goal.

P.S. I did wait until this season of Game of Thrones was over to make this commitment but, I assure you that was totally coincidental.